Sacred Union
by redcandle
Summary: Dumbledore wants Alicia and Warrington to have a child together. They'd rather not. A fluffyhumorous fic born of a crackfic plot bunny.


"Scared Union" by Redcandle17

Disclaimer: All recognizable characters and elements from the Harry Potter series belong to J.K. Rowling. No copyright infringement is intended.

There were only two weeks left in the school year and he'd already taken his N.E.W.T.s; surely Dumbledore wouldn't expel him from Hogwarts now. Then again, the man had announced Slytherin's victory for the House Cup Third Year before giving Gryffindor enough extra points for their victory. Warrington didn't have much faith in Dumbledore's ability to be kind to Slytherins.

It didn't even matter that Warrington hadn't taken advantage of the authority Umbridge had invested in him. No, just because Malfoy and his little thugs had foolishly tried to terrorize the-Boy-Who-Lived, all the members of the now-defunct Inquisitorial Squad were considered bullies. It didn't matter that they were only obeying the Ministry-appointed Headmistress.

Anyway, it wouldn't matter what the old man did. His N.E.W.T.s were over and he was certain he had at least "Exceeds Expectations" in all his subjects. Forcing himself to look unconcerned, he entered Dumbledore's office. Really, what kind of elderly wizard used "chocolate frog" as a password? He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named might have really returned, but that didn't mean that Dumbledore wasn't senile.

"Sir," he started to say. Then he saw Alicia Spinnet sitting in front of Dumbledore's desk. Okay, Dumbledore wasn't expelling him. Unless he'd invited a Gryffindor to witness the pleasure of seeing him thrown out of school.

"Mr. Warrington, please have a seat." Dumbledore gestured to the chair beside Spinnet.

Warrington pulled the chair an additional foot away from Spinnet and sat down. "You wanted to see me, Professor?"

"Mr. Warrington, Ms. Spinnet, it is my duty to inform you of a prophecy concerning both of you."

"Us!" Spinnet exclaimed sharply. "What could involve me and," she jerked her thumb in his direction, "him!"

Warrington briefly entertained the possibility that he was destined to murder her. But no, if that was the case, Dumbledore would have sent him to Azkaban by now.

"It has been foretold that you are the parents of the next savior of the wizarding world."

Warrington's jaw dropped.

"You mean together?" Spinnet asked dumbly.

"Exactly, Ms. Spinnet," Dumbledore said brightly. He held out a candy dish to them. "Jelly beans?"

He _was_ senile! He had to be. Warrington stared at the Headmaster, wondering if he could make it to the door before the old man drew his wand.

"The child is destined to defeat a dark wizard in the year 2014, at seventeen years of age. This means that the child will be conceived this year."

"I'd rather fuck the Giant Squid," Warrington said, too dismayed to censor his language.

"Believe me, I wouldn't touch you if you were the last wizard on earth," Spinnet snapped back.

Dumbledore was still smiling cheerfully. "Children, children. This is exactly why I informed you of the prophecy. I had hoped that things would develop between you on their own, but since that hasn't happened and we have so little time left…"

"What about Harry?" Spinnet interrupted. "Isn't he going to kill You-Know-Who? Why would we need another special kid?"

"There always arises another dark wizard to take the place of the last, Ms. Spinnet."

No longer caring about being discreet with his personal affiliations, Warrington said, "I don't care. I support the dark arts anyway."

"Oh, dear," Dumbledore said. "I had hoped it wouldn't come to this." He stood and strode to the doorway, moving quickly for a man his age. "This scared union must occur. The wizarding world needs all the protection against the darks arts it can get. I'm afraid I can't let you leave this room until Ms. Spinnet is pregnant."

"He's lost his mind," Spinnet whispered, shocked.

"He didn't have a mind to lose," Warrington muttered.

The door locked. Warrington casually examined the pile of papers on Dumbledore's desk as Spinnet tried spell after spell to unlock the door.

"Help me," she hissed.

Warrington opened the top drawer and peered inside. Yikes! He quickly slammed it shut. "Spinnet, do you really think two students can undo spells set by the Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot?"

"We have to do something," she insisted.

"He's rather soft-hearted; I'm sure he'll let us out before we starve to death."

"That's not funny!"

"I wasn't trying to amuse you." Warrington investigated the contents of Dumbledore's cabinets. Was that a pensieve?

"Warrington, our Headmaster has locked us in a room and demanded we have sex. Aren't you the least bit concerned?"

"I am disappointed that our laws won't let me sue the school. Now American wizards…"

Spinnet struck him with her wand. "Be serious for a minute."

Warrington rubbed his shoulder. "I'm not into that stuff, Spinnet. And I'm not going to fuck you on Dumbledore's command. Wait; are the Gryffindor boys having some problems, you know, satisfying their girls? I know Dumbledore loves his Gryffindors, but I didn't think he'd actually help them get laid."

For a moment he thought Spinnet was going to try the Killing Curse on him. But she merely turned away and resumed trying to unlock the door. Warrington settled in a chair with a copy of _Magical Me _he'd found under the Sorting Hat.

He was half way through the book when Spinnet interrupted him. "Warrington, he sent us lunch."

There were two plates of sandwiches and two goblets of that vile pumpkin juice that Warrington was certain only remained on the school menu because of Dumbledore's fondness for it. "How'd it get here?"

"It just appeared there." Spinnet picked up one of the sandwiches and raised it to her mouth.

"Are you too stupid to realize that it's probably spiked with unscrupulous potions, or do you just want an excuse to throw yourself at me?"

Spinnet set the sandwich down and glared at him. Then she sighed. "Do you really think Dumbledore would drug us with a love potion?"

Warrington didn't bother to answer her. He was nearly finished with the book when she spoke again.

"What if we used a levitation charm on ourselves and went out the window?"

"Ladies first," he said graciously.

"I'm really hungry."

"Go ahead and eat. I promise I'll do everything you beg me to do afterwards."

She scowled at him. "I hate you."

"I hate you, too."

"He has to let us go soon, right? I mean, people will wonder where we are. I don't know about Snape, but McGonagall will notice if one of her students hasn't been seen for days."

"Absolutely. The entire school was abuzz with worry when Montague was missing," he said sarcastically. Then, "But you're a Gryffindor, so I'm sure they'll look for you. Of course, Dumbledore is one of the most powerful wizards and he could have made everyone forget we even exist."

"It's so ridiculous! Even if we did what he wanted, it could take weeks or months before I got pregnant."

"Maybe that's the point. Maybe he's watching and waiting for us to entertain him."

"Merlin, Warrington! Dumbledore isn't some kind of pervert."

"Do you honestly believe that 'scared child' shit?"

"No" she admitted. "But I believe Dumbledore believes it."

"Who do you think is responsible? Trelawney or the centaur?"

"This is Trelawney's kind of thing. Third Year she predicted George was going to become a vampire before he left school."

"Umbridge was right to fire her."

Spinnet, who'd begun to relax, glared at him. "Figures you'd think so.

What? "But you agree that she's an incompetent teacher and a fraud!"

"That's not the point."

"Gryffindors!" He resumed reading.

"I didn't know you were that interested in Lockhart. Were you part of his fan club, too?"

"I'm not, but apparently Dumbledore is. What else will it take for you to believe he's insane?"

"I'm hungry."

"You've said that already."

"Aren't you hungry?"

"Starving." He looked at her pointedly. "I'm contemplating cannibalism."

Spinnet giggled.

Warrington stared at her in fascinated horror. "I see you've become delirious with hunger."

"You're funny when you're not trying to take points from my House or assaulting me during Quidditch." She leaned back in her chair and smiled at him.

Great Merlin, was she flirting with him? "Did you eat or drink anything while I wasn't looking?"

"I'm trying to be friendly. I'm bored."

Warrington handed her _Magical_ _Me. _"Here. It's a very insightful look into the mind of a narcissistic sociopath."

"It's embarrassing to remember that I used to have a crush on this guy."

He didn't answer her. He was hungry and bored, and there was no sign of Dumbledore releasing them from this madness. There was nothing to do but take a nap. Warrington made himself as comfortable as he could and closed his eyes.

"Rude Slytherin bastard," Spinnet muttered.

It was no good. The chair was just too small for his large frame. It was a good thing he was excellent at Transfiguration. One flick of his wand and a couple of muttered words later, the chair had turned into a bed. That was better.

When he awoke, it was dark outside and there were more platters of food on Dumbledore's desk. Spinnet was sitting on the desk, with the Sorting Hat on her head.

"What are you doing?" Warrington asked.

"Talking to the Sorting Hat," she replied.

"Is it good company?" he asked sarcastically.

"Better than you."

"Did it tell you how to get out of here?"

"I think it's a he. He won't tell me - he says it'll be good for inter-House unity if we…do what Dumbledore wants, though I think he just doesn't know." She laughed. "He told me…"

That was just creepy. Warrington snatched the Sorting Hat off of Spinnet's head and tossed it across the room. Spinnet slapped him on the shoulder and raced after the hat.

"I wonder if Dumbledore knew about your abusive tendencies when he decided to make me marry you. I bet he did," Warrington complained.

Spinnet dusted off the hat. "I'm not abusive, and what are you talking about? Dumbledore's not insisting we get married, he only wants us to breed."

"It was understood. Decent purebloods don't have illegitimate children."

"If this prophecy is real, I'll have the damn kid, but I'm not going to marry you."

"You're a disgrace to purebloods, Spinnet."

"Technically, I'm a half-blood. And stop squirming. There's a bathroom over there. You can thank the Sorting Hat for telling me about it."

"Did the hat tell you how to get us some safe food?"

"He says that there's probably nothing wrong with the food. Lust potions aren't Dumbledore's style."

"So why haven't you eaten?"

Spinnet didn't answer.

Warrington smirked at her. "Not so trusting of Dumbledore now, are you?"

"What if we ate at the exact same time, so if there is something in the food, no one will be embarrassed."

He was the second hungriest that he'd ever been before in his life. The first, of course, was when Marcus refused to let the Slytherin Quidditch team have dinner as punishment for losing the Quidditch Cup. "All right." He picked up a sandwich and held it to his mouth, waiting for Spinnet to take a bite out of her own sandwich.

She was staring at him warily. "On the count of three. One…two…three."

It turned out the food was perfectly safe after all. "We could have eaten hours ago if you weren't paranoid, Spinnet," Warrington said.

"Me! You were the one who suggested the food might be spiked in the first place!"

"This isn't so bad. Dumbledore's feeding us and his office has a bathroom. It's better than helping First Years look for their lost belongings. It is boring, though. Entertain me, Spinnet."

"Should I strip?"

"Ordinarily I'd say 'yes,' but since that's exactly what Dumbledore wants, I'll have to decline the offer."

"I was being sarcastic."

"May I borrow the Sorting Hat?"

Spinnet clutched the hat protectively. "What are you going to do to him?"

"Wear it and congratulate myself on my cutting edge fashion style."

She handed him the hat. "Don't hurt his feelings; he's sensitive."

_Hello, er, Hat. Do you remember me? My name's Cassius Warrington._

_I remember each and every student. _

_What were you and Spinnet talking about?_

_How would you like it if I told her about your Sorting?_

_So you didn't tell her anything about me?_

_I didn't say that._

_What did you tell her?_

_The same thing I'll tell you: the Houses were supposed to help students, not foster hatred or isolation…_

_I don't need a lecture. Thank you._

Warrington gave the hat back to Spinnet. "It's not that good a conversationalist. I shudder to think of what Gryffindors discuss amongst themselves if you consider it good company."

"We plot ways to block the entrances to the dungeons and trap the snakes in their pit forever."

"You know, I'm not insulted by being called a snake. Snakes are fascinating animals. I've always loved boa constrictors. They appear so helpless, without any claws or fangs, but they can kill an adult merely by squeezing him or her."

"Out of curiosity, your dates don't snog you much, do they? If that's your idea of interesting conversation, I'm surprised anyone would go out with you."

"If this was a date, Spinnet, I'd be telling you how beautiful you are and how long I've wanted you. By now I'd probably be playing with your hair and listing all the minute things that are common to all girls, but the mention of which causes each to believe she's special."

"Do you get all your girlfriends from Hufflepuff?"

"Ravenclaws like those lines, too. Slytherins know the game and play it in kind. I've never tried it with any Gryffindors though."

"Do you want to?"

"You want to!"

She shrugged. "It's not like we have anything else to do."

Warrington was certain she was insulting him in some way. "You can always talk to the Sorting Hat."

"You're not completely hideous, and I could use a laugh. Go ahead, do it."

He moved closer to her and looked into her eyes, trying not to smile. "You're the most beautiful girl at Hogwarts, Spinnet, and…"

"It'd probably work better if you used my first name."

"Fine," he sighed. "Alicia, you're gorgeous, and when I'm sitting in Charms, I stare at you the entire time and wonder what it'd be like to kiss you." He began stroking a strand of her hair. "I love the way your hair moves when you shake your head…"

Spinnet pushed him away. "Not bad," she admitted.

"I don't suppose you'd like to try it for real when there is no possibility of it leading to children for Dumbledore's sake?"

She didn't answer.

"I was joking," Warrington said hastily. He was saved from further embarrassment by Dumbledore's appearance.

"I'm terribly sorry, Ms. Spinnet, Mr. Warrington. I afraid there was a mix-up. The prophecy actually refers to Mr. Potter and Mr. Malfoy. You may go. I apologize once again."

Without saying anything to Dumbledore, Warrington fled before the old man could change his mind. Spinnet was only a step behind him.

"Did he say Potter and Draco?"

"That's what I heard," Spinnet said, snickering. "I guess they'll be using a male pregnancy potion."

"What the hell is a male pregnancy potion?"

"It's a potion that enables men to become pregnant and carry offspring."

"There's no such thing!"

"The muggleborn First Years Fred and George told that to didn't know it wasn't real."

Now that they were free, Warrington was strangely reluctant to say good-bye to Spinnet. He told himself it was merely Stockholm Syndrome. Finally he said, "I'll see you around, Spinnet."

"Maybe."

"The castle's not that big. Unless you plan to hide yourself in Gryffindor Tower, I'll probably see you in the Great Hall or in the corridors."

"I didn't mean it literally, Warrington. I meant, maybe I'll owl you sometime."

Oh. "Maybe I might owl you, too. Good Night."

"Sweet dreams, Cassius."

End (2,636 words)


End file.
